Sunrise

Gratitude

I haven't blogged in a very long time. As usual, there are many big changes. I decided at the last minute to attend UC-Irvine rather than Cal Poly SLO. The specific reasons why I decided on UCI are: location (I preferred the relatively urban OC area to super-rustic, isolated, yet supremely beautiful SLO), preference for the UC system, and a gut feeling that UCI was a better decision. I want to work in LA after I finish my degree, and being in the OC means I can intern in LA much more easily than if I lived in SLO.

I have grown to love Southern California over the past year or so, and simply do not want to leave anytime soon. Finally settling on a place to spend the next few years is a relief. As is committing to a particular career.

The past few weeks have been rough. My live in boyfriend and I broke up a few days before classes began, a week before my birthday, and a few weeks before the wedding of one of his closest friends from high school, a woman who (along with her fiance) I've gotten to know and I am very fond of.

I'm in a much better place than I could have imagined a few weeks ago. My emotions were running so high in the weeks that classes started that it was all I could do to find my way around campus. I have been able to concentrate and more or less stay on top of my coursework, but it is a challenge. I've spent the past few weeks sleeping in a jumble of places: a dear friend's living room, the apt my ex-bf and I shared, and a rotating set of pricelined hotel rooms adjacent to the John Wayne Airport. The Hilton was my favorite. I got it for $55 (but they charge for parking) and the restaurant serves a wonderful "California salad."

At my lowest point, I wanted to give up on school. But I didn't. The process of earning my Master's degree began over a year ago, and as haphazard as it has felt at times, I know that I am here for a reason and that I will succeed.

My heart is definitely broken and I feel a complex stew of emotions about the break up: anger, sadness, guilt, relief, confusion, you name it, and if its an emotion, I've probably felt it in the past few weeks.

Despite my outer circumstances, every day I find many things to be grateful for. New friendships have blossomed and given me tremendous hope. I spent this Friday night having a deeply uplifting and inspiring conversation with a new friend. I am blessed in more ways than I can count, and I know that someday I will understand why this happened.

For now, I take things one day at a time.

Summer State of Nicole

Wow, its been six months since I blogged. Many things have happened:

- I ran the San Diego Rock n Roll marathon in 4 hours 22 minutes
- I've gone running about twice since. Its been really hot here.
- I've met some really great people and had some fun adventures- Las Vegas, the Grammy Museum, photo walks, happy hours, etc.,
- I was accepted to a few Masters in Urban Planning programs, and chose to attend Cal Poly San Luis Obispo
- San Luis Obispo was the best deal financially, but I am terrified, and I mean TERRIFIED of moving up there. I like LA, and want to work here. I didn't come up with a great solution to the finance v. geography dilemma-- finances just won out.
But I fear that financially, in the long run, the connections that I could make if I stayed in LA would yield a significant return. Who knows?
- I am excited about finally getting my masters and getting started on this path, but I also feel strong apprehension about it. I feel too old to start over sometimes.
- I love my boyfriend, and I love living with him, and I'm really bummed to move.
- On the plus side, SLO is beautiful and charming in its own way, and LA is only 3.5 hours away by car (or 5.5 on Amtrak)
- I think its often hard for people to adjust to small town life after living in a city, though
- But I will be fine. People move everyday, and people are people everywhere you go. Its all good. Right?
- How obvious is it that I could use a little encouragement?

Gratitude

I was having a bit of a tough morning-- not enough sleep and too much sugar had me feeling a little sad. I was standing at a corner in Los Feliz, waiting for the light to change so I could cross the street, when this guy rolls up on a beach cruiser. Long story short, he ended up giving me a free copy of his CD. I was really touched. I love all the creative people that fill this city with their optimistic, free spirited energy. I just finished listening to the album, and its great! Children's music inspired by David Bowie, with gorgeous lyrics.

I'm thankful the universe gave me the gift of this encounter this morning, it really pulled me out of my funk.

Merry Christmas!

Currently sitting on the floor of a lovely apartment in Los Feliz, listening to George Michael, on my brand new, courtesy of family laptop, feeling happy, loved, blessed, and peaceful.

Tomorrow is Christmas. I've really already done Christmas with my family in Illinois, and with my boyfriend. I'll spend time celebrating the holiday with his relatives tomorrow. They are great people and I'm looking forward to it.

There is no Christmas tree here, and I'm not exaggerating when I say that I really feel the absence. That said, I can't imagine how this Christmas could be better. It is truly different from most, but that is ok. In fact, its great.

I am leaving the day after tomorrow (I guess since its midnight, tomorrow) for Los Angeles. There is an ice storm outside. It is cold, very windy, a little snow, and lots of tiny ice flakes.

I have a million things I'd like to do before I leave, but I suspect that I'll only get to the major ones. Like packing and finalizing a couple of grad school applications.

I've been stressed about my return to Southern California, but now that it is so close, I feel a sense of calm kicking in.

I have loved being home. Its so nice to have so much time with my family. Sometimes I wish that I was settling into a house in Illinois, with a big yard, a kind, calm husband, and a baby on the way. I'd spend my time going to pregnancy yoga, reading What to Expect When You're Expecting, and decorating and organizing my home. I'd be only a short drive away from my family. When my husband felt like being romantic, we'd drive to Chicago and go to Berlin on a Saturday night, or the Drake, or to see a show at the Vic or Riviera. Maybe we'd get Indian food on Devon Ave. Then we'd come back to our house in the suburbs. We would have a Wii in the living room, and we would invite friends over to play Rock Band. I'd make themed hors d'oeurves and cocktails.

I'm excited about where I'm going, even though its pretty different from what I've just described. Its craigslist, hipster bars, sand between my toes, spf 60, running on pavement, beautiful people, love, traffic, concrete, exhaust fumes, concrete, sunshine, too much sunshine, white walls, improv shows, vertical blinds, Hollywood, desert, eyeshadow, and body glitter.

California is so beautiful that sometimes it doesn't seem real or fair. Los Angeles is magical and brutal, and has chewed me up and spit me out once already.

I've finally accepted that I'm half California and half Illinois. I just need to buck up, keep cash on hand for airfare, and go with it. The ache that I've felt so long for seasons and for Chicago is working itself out.

Today was the first snow of winter. There is nothing like waking up to a fresh snowfall. Unfortunately it was too slushy for sledding, so I ended up taking my sisters out to lunch at Steak 'n Shake instead. I am so midwestern, and I sort of love it.

The energy in the house was wonderful an hour or so ago. Dark outside, the sky grey. Silence except for my stepfather helping my sister with her math homework. Imaginary numbers. I, the square root of negative one. A candle burning in the kitchen and heat flowing from the vents in each room.

I love moments like that-- when you can feel the connection and warmth in the room. Maybe that's why I like winter so much. More time to drink tea and get under blankets and relax.